I know that when you’re starting a new relationship it may be fun, exciting, and there are few arguments (if any). Someone even compared it to buying a new car and having that new car smell. But what happens after all the fun stops?

Here’s what you can do to get the fun back:

1. Show your creative side. When it comes to making a successful, long-lasting relationship, sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Coming up with fresh ideas for love and romance (or even where the next place you’ll go to spend time together) could be the key to keeping your relationship thrilling.

2.Get Spontaneous. Do things “just because”. Surprise your partner by planning a nice romantic getaway. Summer is here, so traveling around this time may be very enjoyable for the both of you.

3. Talk to your partner. Find out from your partner why your relationship is starting to get boring. Are there things going on in his/her life (bills, work, etc) that’s stressing him/her out (this may be the reason for the lack of excitement)? Or is he/she just plainly losing interest in the relationship? Communicate with your partner to find out what’s going on and then take it from there.

Whatever you need to do to make your relationship more exciting, then do it. You have to be the pro-active one if you want to get the love life that you desire.

To love and be loved

No human being can not live without love. Whatever form they will express it or received it at some point everyone needs to feel important to someone. And that’s okay – really rich when you can throw yourself wholeheartedly feelings and return repeatedly, without thinking what and how much you get in return.

Of course, it’s not about that one-sided partnership relationship in which one altruistically give all my heart and the other takes all selfish and wants even more. To love and be loved is that balance which keeps relationships and act as a key driver for both partners.

The desire to love

There is a belief that is almost always in a relationship love is not equal. Which means that one of two partners provides more than the other and deliberately refused to accept the fact that it may seriously damage the relationship between them.

There are men who need just a little hint that something is wrong and they are thrown to fix the problem and appeasement to their loved ones. There are women who wish to make to them man to feel loved and special, become mothers protectors, covered him with strangulation and obsessive love.

This type of people are ready to follow your spouse, wherever they take them to her show that are available at any time and any place. And that becomes a failure. First, because the person receiving this love can be felt too secure in your relationship and not to give a real idea of what they have to themselves. And second, because at one point can sense a limitation caused by his own inability to respond to this love.

The desire to be loved

There are also people who have a strong desire to be loved. Not that they are not able to give love to your partner, but just have a constant need him to prove their loyalty and to see in his eyes flame that burns only for them.

According to some experts, the reason for the strong desire to be loved may be rooted in childhood and family environment in which they grew up kind of person. Whether the ingrained sense of inferiority or because of complex internal kompleksiranost, they want to know they are special, unique and irreplaceable. If this proves to them daily, even every minute. Like just about their needs and their desires and if at that very moment when they want attention, their partner can not give it to them, for the simple reason that there are some important obligations they feel neglected and harmed.

Over time this leads to the opposite effect in their favorite – instead loves them more dedicated, it pulls more strongly. The only solution to avoid this problem, one sometimes to remember to give the will of its own expression of feelings and to show your partner that he can fight him the same kindness and affection they receive.

“Honeymoon” has the edge

Sooner or later the “honeymoon” ends. For some it is painful to realize that the original mutual intoxication and euphoric and dynamic development of the relationship during the first few months, whether we talk about marriage or a new acquaintance, passes into a more stable and straight condition. Not that my love is gone, not that one has begun to love less. Just in time both partners begin to feel more comfortable with each other and experiencing a desire to focus their attention not only to the other, but also to the many daily activities that were previously ignored, to be 100% committed to your relationship.

Most importantly, each one both when they realize that the “honeymoon” is over, is to continue to appreciate the fact that by its very special person who can satisfy his desire for closeness and it makes you feel part of a whole. Can shake off the thought that something was wrong and to accept that love has evolved in this for the better. Because if after the first months of intoxication this link continues to strengthen both feel ever closer, they really find their mate in the person of another.

What is love?

Chemistry is not love. That is incredibly noticeable attraction between two people does not mean that they have exactly that long and shared love, we are talking about. Does not mean that they do have love for one another. Desire is not love. Rather it is an addiction to the feeling you have something you can not, therefore soliciting of it again and again. Yearning is not love. Hand, is often confused with love, is actually a strong psychological projection on the love object. Lust is a biological function associated with the creation of a generation. Violence is certainly not love. This is a more direct expression of our low or no self-esteem at all. Neglect is not love – there’s always time for a little exchange of tender feelings. Indifference is not love. Or someone has feelings for others and showing them, or not at all. What then is love? Whatever fills your heart when you see a loved one, everything that evokes a smile on your lips – even thought about it, everything that you feel in his presence and makes you feel special. Love – a collection is about mutual devotion, care, attention, tenderness and understanding that there is no need to calculations, to be donated. Everything you do with a pure heart’s love.

If it were true honest love, it would not hurt.  When there is emotional and physical, abuse in a relationship, there is no love.  There are too many issues to discuss here as to why anyone would stay with an abusive partner.  The truth of the matter is that love does not hurt, cause pain and damage someone both physically and emotionally.  If you are one of these people, the world is commanding you to run for your life.  You are in a relationship without love and should get out of it now and save yourself.
Love is not manipulative
Love is not using someone to get what you want.  If you hear the phrase, “If you love me, you would do it”, run because this is not what love is.  Cowards who are not real men or woman uses this tactic to manipulate others and feed their need to be in control.  They pray upon your feelings and use them to gain control to get what they want.
Love is not compromising your values
When you are in love, it is natural to want to put your partner’s happiness before your own.  This does not mean that you should be untrue to yourself and compromise your own true values.

Love is not asking your partner to do something they do not want to do in order to prove they love you.  Love is not going against your values and sacrificing who you are.
Love is not lust
Lust has certainly been the one common destroyer of many people throughout time.  Lust has brought down the mightiest and the most powerful.  Lust is responsible for creating so much damage that entire generations have been lost, wars started and countless lives ended.  It is the single most damaging emotion, there is, and it is not love.

Lust can be confused with love because when we first meet someone we may be attracted to him or her, desire them and have romantic feelings for them so it could be said that because of this chemistry we have with that person whom it must be love.  True love will override the feelings of lust and instead of being selfish and putting our own needs first, we will care about our partner’s wants and needs instead.  The true measure of love is commitment and trust not just physical attraction.
Love is not sex
Any person can have sex with people or himself, herself, or anything and that is not love.  Sex is not love and love is not sex, and the question has to be asked, when are people going to finally understand that, to just arbitrarily have sex with each other is foolish, that it is wrong, against the rules, and that it destroys lives.

Sex is certainly part of true honest love.  When two people share each other within the bounds that it has been set, sex is beautiful. 
Love is not power
The biggest problem is a relationship today is who has the power.  Who is on top, who is chasing whom, who has the control and who is in charge?  This is not love.

The truth, is that there are things a man can do that a woman cannot, there are things a woman can do that a man cannot, and true love knows its place.  True love will hold hands and walk side by side together through life doing the best it can.  If someone knows more about something more than the other person does than for the good of the relationship it gets done, but not for power.
Love is not jealousy
If you were truly in love, you would not allow any outside influences interfere with your love.  There should never be a reason your partner would feel jealousy or wonder if you are being faithful.   Trust is one of the corner stone’s of the foundation of love and to fool with that trust is not love.
Love is not selfish
Being selfish will get you just what you deserve, loneliness.  Being self-centered, egotistical and arrogant is not love.  Love is sharing all you have with the one you truly love and putting them first above yourself.
Conclusion
Everyone seeks after the many things that love is.  Unfortunately, the countless things that love is not sometime confuse us, get in our way and lead us down destructive paths.

As we learn from these mistakes, we make promises to ourselves and say never again.  Love is so many things and because of this, we stand and watch waiting, hoping and praying for true love.    
Article also posted on AssociatedContent.com by Scott Hallock 

But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on. You see time is about bonding, or connecting, which is what two of my favorite relationship counselors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.”

This is true whetherthe time spent it is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine relates, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.

On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Especially as we move into the holiday season, is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do over the holidays than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Or, call me for a counseling session. Information about how to contact me is available at my website. http://www.doctorlisalove.com

Happy Healing to You!

Blessings and love,

Lisa

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

by D. LeClairSunday July 24th, 2011If only…If only it was as easy to believe the positive others say, as it it the negative.If only…If only people got married because they loved each other.  Love is the foundation of marriage.  You shouldn’t get married just because you’re pregnant.  Having a baby doesn’t create love, you must have that first.  You should get married to someone because you love them and you want to spend your life with them.  You should get married because you cannot live without them.  You shouldn’t get married for money, because the person raises your social status or because your Brother, Sister, Friends or Family are married (some twice), so you feel like you have to.If only…If only people had children because they wanted to have a family to love.  You shouldn’t have children just because your married.  You should have children because you want to have a family to love and care for and because you want to see yourself outside of yourself.  You should have children because you want to continue your family, and leave a piece of yourself behind when you die.  You shouldn’t have children just because your married, or you want to ”hold” somebody down to you.  To keep them from leaving you or being with somebody else. Don’t have children because they make the amount of your ”monthly cheque” go up, or your Brother, Sister, Friends or Family have a child (some more than one), so you feel like you have to.If only…If only people made the choice to quit a bad habit.  You shouldn’t make the choice to quit a bad habit when you are forced to.  You should make the choice to quit a bad habit (whatever your habit may be, we all have them), when you are in possession of, or in the environment of, your bad habit.  This should be your conscious choice to quit even when it is available for you. This will make you stronger in the end when having to be around it in the future. Just because you’re choosing to stop something, doesn’t mean everyone around you is going to choose that as well.  You shouldn’t make the choice to quit a bad habit when you are forced to be without it, because you don’t have money, someone else is stopping you from doing it or due to any other divine circumstance that you are in no control of.  (Example; not having money for a bad habit like smoking.)  Most at this point would say, ”Hey I am going to use this time quit”.  You are only quitting because you are being forced into it by lack of funds, not because you want to.  So when you have funds again you will smoke again. You have to want to.If only…If only people followed their dreams.  You shouldn’t follow someone else’s dreams for you.  Follow your dreams. You do you.  Do what you’ve always wanted to.  As they say, If you find something you really love to do you will never really ”work” a day in your life.  Make your choice and know that even the smallest choices matter.  Not making a choice is in itself, a choice!  You shouldn’t follow someone else’s dreams for you.  Some people didn’t follow their dreams in their own lives, so they are now using you as their second chance.  Don’t make the same mistake as them, use your first chance, and use it wisely.  Don’t live the the life you wanted through someone else, in the end it isn’t you and you didn’t accomplish those things, they did.If only…If only people could be with someone for who they are, not what they look like.  You shouldn’t be with someone because you think you can change them, or only because they look good on your arm.  You should be with someone for how they make you a better person when you’re with them and even when you’re not.  For what you love about them, and even for their faults, because nobody is perfect.  We are all perfectly imperfect.  Nobody is a 100%.  If you think of a person as a whole (100%) and they have everything you have ever wanted, but lets say 20% of what you don’t want , then you still have an 80%.  That’s pretty good, I think, (most of us our 80′s ourselves) but some people look at the 20% that the person they are with is missing, instead of looking at the 80% they currently have, and they end up cheating on them with someone who has that other 20% they think they are missing.  The thing wrong with this is, sure you now have (for the moment, anyways) that 20% you thought were missing, but now you have chosen to cheat on your 80 with your 20 and you are left with 20% of what you want!   You gave up the 80% you wanted, because of the 20% they were lacking, and ended up with 20% of what you wanted, now you’re 80% lacking.  People should stop thinking about what they don’t have and start being thankful for what they do have, even if it is 80%.  Never take the one you love for granted.  You shouldn’t be with someone because you think you can change them into what you want them to be, because they can get you further in life, or because they give you money, cars, clothes, drugs or other material items (whatever those may be).  If you want to go around and spend your life dating 20% percent of what you want, and being a 20% of what a person wants, that is up to you. Please leave us 80′s alone.  Us 80′s , are looking for a relationship, marriage,  family, kids and monogamy, the stuff we are looking to give!  If all you’re looking to give is sex, partying and dating multiple people, why bother thinking you are good enough to have an 80 in your life…. 20′s don’t deserve 80′s and 80′s don’t deserve 20′s.If only…If only people talked to friends on the street.  You shouldn’t ignore them on the street, and act like you don’t know them, depending on who you may be with at the time.  you should also talk to friends on the street (if you see them), if  they are on your Face-book or other social network.  Don’t pretend to be friends with someone on-line, then when you see them on the street pretend not to know them.  Grow up!  If you can’t say hi on the street, delete them off your Face-book.  You shouldn’t ignore them on the street and act like you don’t know them, but then rape their wall and statuses with comments, likes and responses.  Why bother? Most people see that you talk to them on-line anyway, so who cares if someone sees you talking to them on the street?!?! If you are ashamed for some reason to talk to them in public why have them on your friend list at all.If only…If only people took responsibility for their own actions.  You shouldn’t deny your actions, or lie to cover your actions.  You should take responsibility for your own actions.  If you did it, own up to it, and if you didn’t, make it known.  Part of growing up is owning up. Most people have their own opinions of you, true or not and that, frankly, is none of your business.  The only opinion that matters is your own.  You know what you have done and not done in your life, you have been there for all of it, be true to yourself no matter what and if you don’t like something about yourself, well, change it, knowing that you’re worth the work.  If you lie or cover up your actions, it will hurt you in the end and probably someone who doesn’t deserve it.  ”You only lie when you’re afraid of something or someone,” said John Gotti.  Grow up and and learn from your mistakes, that’s why they happened.If only…If only people did everything they say they’re going to do.  Be true to your word.  You shouldn’t commit to things you know yourself, you can’t do.  Don’t procrastinate.  Don’t put off those important things you want to get done.  You may not be around as long as you think.  You shouldn’t take on too much.  You’ll become overwhelmed.  Learn to say no. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, your word should never be broken. Learning to say no to things will help you keep your word most often.If only…If only people said what they meant and meant what they say.  You shouldn’t speak without thinking, it really is like shooting without aiming.  You should say what you mean and mean what you say.  Words can never be taken back, no matter how much you wish they could be.  Even in anger, it doesn’t make it right.  How you see a person, love a person and respect a person, can all change in one moment, just because of words spoken out of anger.If only…If only people lived everyday, as if they were dying.  You shouldn’t waste away your talents (everybody has one).  You should live everyday, as if you were dying, because in a sense, you are.  It’s not about what you want to do or talk about doing but it’s about what you actually do.  Sometimes it’s hard to find what it is you want to do with your life, and what it is you’re good at, but it is out there and trust that it is looking for you too.